I fucking hate holidays.... (Goodbye Time)

It's funny when you reach out to someone for help or guidance, he/she respond with the good ol' quip: "I'm right here if you need me. Just call."

Are you really there, though?

Or is it something to say to temporarily comfort someone until the current conversation ends?

I struggle with this time of year. It reminds me of the past. Formative events that altered the course which should of led to happiness or some kind of a content living. 

Instead, I think some of 2003. 

A cold, Friday Virginia  night. High school football playoffs. An altercation. Shots fired...

On the ground lies a close friend. Family, as it were. Dying in a pool of blood. Witnessed with my own eyes was the murder of a loved one. 6 days before Thanksgiving. 

 

I, also, recollect on the year of 1999. A time of loneliness, separation, isolation, and wanting to change things I couldn't control. A time when distant family convinced me I was at fault for something horrific. And maybe, I was.

 

It was 1999 when despair and cocaine consumed me and I drove into traffic attempting suicide. 

 I failed, just as I have in life.

Secrets

I feel that everyone has at least one secret tucked deep away. Something that only you or few know. Maybe these things are hidden, suppressed away to avoid bringing up past traumas. Maybe a simple regret done in a moment of ignorance, stupidity, immaturity, or what have you. Some of us have dark secrets; secrets that may have cause pain, confusion, or denial. Some people carry issues that, if  resurfaced, could tear a family apart. We all have that skeleton somewhere. 

Maybe a one night stand...

Maybe the knowledge of a crime of enormous magnitude...

Maybe something that kills a part of yourself to admit is true.

I have knowledge of an event in  the '90's that I have lived with ever since. This secret led to my downfall as the person I once was. A secret that spawned my rebirth into whatever this is that I've become. 

 

Bottling this infestation up for years damaged my psyche. An inability to process the events kept me living in the past. Without any way to cope, it festered in my brain for years upon years. 

And yet, I've made no progress.

Do "All Lives Matter"?

Who am I to say that all lives matter? I didn't care about my own life for years, even attempting to end it a couple of times. I understand and support the true meaning of #BLM. So I'm going to rant off some random thoughts on my beliefs and idealism of the current conflicts within America.

1. All lives DO NOT matter, to me.

-Dylan Roff's life doesn't matter. 

-Christopher Dorner's life meant nothing.

-Pearl Fernandez's life means jackshit.

White, Black, Hispanic.

All murderers. Their lives DO NOT matter, to me. Maybe their families care though. 

2. Saying the all-inclusive "All Lives Matter" belittles the movement to bring awareness to a plague that has been placed on the back burner for years. Marvin Gaye sang of police brutality. N.W.A. rapped about it, as well as many others. Movies have depicted the violence for years. 

Also, saying All Lives Matter as a response to BLM equates a statement many are scared to say and don't have the balls to say... WHITE LIVES MATTER. Is that not what these contradictory statements equals? Go ahead and say All Lives Matter and show the true colors. 

3. Not all Blue Lives Matter. A majority do

Since I've been loving you...(Turbulence Part#2)

There are times in people's lives when times seem uncertain. The true unknowing. Obstacles that stack up against you, while standing in quicksand. With all that's going on, my mind still races, intrusive thoughts ramble on, and I still dwell on the one I walked away from.

Cancer affects everyone. We all know someone suffering from the big "C". As for me, my father/best friend has beaten cancer twice already, but is dealing with a bout of Stage 3 lung cancer. Its terrible having to watch the deterioration of the man that I've looked up to for 46 years. 

I've had many conversations with Dad the last few months that dug up hurtful feelings and emotions that came about in May 1997. There was a fire to our house in which we (my parents and I) lost everything we had. We had some nice shit too. This event I surpressed with drug use and a life of crime. My parents, though, didn't unravel. This issues are still pivotal in my growth moving forward. Still, there are more questions than answers and alot of rekindled pain. Another post, another time...

My health is idle at this point. Just waiting on a possible liver if I get worse. I have concerns with my son having depression. 

 

If only I would have been honest, my backbone would still be by my side. I know I could make it.

Statures, Flags, and Pants that Sag

I really don't care who I make mad. I don't discriminate. Maybe it's because names I've been called like nigger lover, cracker, wanna be, white boy, etc. that had molded me to be emotionally numb to anyone's feelings or views.

Maybe it's the constant chaos that has plagued my brain throughout life that allows me to see the American society and it's problems in a way that seems... let's say different than most. Could it be that only after one completely breaks down and loses their mind can they see with a clarity that feels genuine? Let me just get to it without more run-on sentences.

 

The Confederate Flag

If it offends you, I understand. My native American ancestors fought for this flag in the Civil War. Yeah, they were drafted but, none the less, protected their land in the Appalachian Mountains. They didn't own slaves and also knew of oppression and mass genocide brought on by the Stars and Stripes. Long before the South succeeded from the Union, slaves ships embarked the journey to a land where the Native inhabitants were manipulated and murdered, in the name of America. So...if you're offended by one, maybe you should be offended by both.

#noflagsmatter

Moving on...

Tearing Down Statues

If it offends you, I understand. But people, we are letting it become distraction, which is exactly what the Powers that Be want. It's allowing the government to charge the citizens with hate crimes for meer vandalism, which adds more fuel to the fire to keep us separate. 

As long as we are separate in our ways and thinking (logical and illogical), we will never be able to overcome as humans. 

Pants that Sag

I used to rock a sag. Occasionally still do. Nothing too revealing or extreme. But hey, it's a comfortable feel to it.

So, if I have offended anyone, I apologise. 

I have no idea why I drifted upon this subject. Probably the memes about things that make people so offended. Myself, I'm offended by ignorance and stupidity. I'm against using racism as a solution for racism.

So in closing...

  

Remember the saying, "One Bad Apple Spoils The Bunch"? Is this statement accurate? Couldn't we just get rid of the bad apples and be thankful for the good ones? But in the real world, the actions a few is detrimental the whole. But as Americans in 2020, what is our solution?

Wait for it....

Our "ingenious" plan is to cut down the entire tree. 

Some wage a war on 200 year old statue and flag. Others rally to defund police. Some cry "All Lives Matter" to lessen to meaning and plight of BLM. Some loot and steal in the name of injustice but really for their own benefit. Many spew racist statements (black and white) to continue the separation of citizens in our country. And, some are still using chokeholds. There are bad apples everywhere. 

Be a good apple. 🍎

Turbulence (About Me Part 1)

Bipolar.

Clinical depression.

Post traumatic stress disorder.

Borderline personality disorder.

Liver failure.

In love with my ex that I fucked over. It's been two years since we parted ways and I still love her with every inch of my being.

She, on the other hand, could care less. I don't blame her. She is another casualty of a war that is the ongoing saga that revolves in my mind. 

With her, I felt like I belonged. It was like I found a purpose. I found serenity. She, along with my son and her daughter, completed me. 

For some reason though, I destroy any good in my life once I feel any sense of comfort. It's the story of my life. I sabotage myself, being my own worst enemy. There is no explanation why I do this, nor do I see it coming as I blind side myself. I try to make excuses or rationalize, knowing later that there is no excuse for my actions. 

She was fuckin awesome, too. Down to earth, hard working, intelligent, hilarious, sexy, independent, self-made, and could spit any Biggie verse ever recorded. In my book, she was flawless. She was way out of my league. 

I dream of her, constantly. Even last night, she appeared. It resembles having an angel while living in Hell. And as always I wake up to a life without her, making for another long day. A long day where my mind shifts from the north to the south pole and back again; these are the days I think of her more than usual.

Two years and I can't get over her. I don't want to be over her. I would walk through the storm for endless days for a slither of a chance to bring her back in my life in any meaningful way.

 

To be continued...

This is where I (still) stand

Throughout my years on this Earth, I've been labeled many things. Actually too many things that I chose to cover at this time; I'll save that for another post. One thing is refuse to be labeled as is a racist. 

I recently had a conversation with an individual (we'll call him Joe) who Informed me of my responsibly as a white man to help stop injustice and police brutality. I agreed. Without knowing me or my story, "Joe" continued to explain his impression of "white people" and our ignorance of black culture, community, and the struggle of being a black man in America. Furthermore, I was told my mentality was completely wrong and I needed to unite with the black community (where I'll be considered a GUEST) to fight for the cause.

This is where I may lose some of you..

First off: FUCK YOU JOE, as an uninformed individual. You know NOTHING of my life, story, and path that has made me who I am and what I believe. I've been shunned for dating outside my race by masses, including family. Interracial relationships were frowned upon in my high school days. Go Chargers!

Secondly: FUCK YOU JOE, for assuming I'm one of the quiet ones. I'm not ignorant to the systematic failure to monitor police when it comes to the Black community, nor have I ever been. I'm not one who screams All Lives Matter, because I know and stand behind the importance of Black Lives Matters and the mission to stop police brutality and persecution. I supported Colin Kaepernick and his peaceful protest of taking a knee, as I stand with Bubba Wallace today.

Now, back to you "Joe"...

 

There's millions like me: 1970's babies who speak their minds, have mixed kids and grandbabies, and will not tolerate or accept the ignorance spewed by corrupt media and uninformed idiots. We will not play into the race baiting, trying to make us hate each other. We will not be misinformed or believe everything posted online (Actually, this statement is not true and it's extremely sad).

And "Joe"... to consider me or anyone like me a "guest" in Black culture is a huge insult. I was here with Turbo and Ozone, when L.L.& Moe Dee was beefing, when Vanessa made Theo the Gordan Gartrel shirt. We were here when Wesley was Nino, Cube was Dough Boy, and Pac was Bishop. We were here when Mandela was freed and Rodney got his ass beat. I was here when Biggie and Easy were lost. I've been here and never left.

Right beside you. I continue to speak out against injustice, as I have done for years. 

So I'm with you, Joe. Just educate yourself and don't assume.

Love y'all and Peace

*Side Note: "Joe is a 19 year old student at Elon University from New Hampshire. Also, he is white.